I’m Still Here…

On Thursday, November 8^th I had my first appointment with my midwives for the first check-up of a pregnancy that was in its 9th week.  A few days later (Little E’s birthday party nonetheless) I started spotting. I was very worried as nothing like this had happened when I was pregnant with little E. I wasn’t bleeding heavily or much at all. I didn’t have any cramping. Things just didn’t feel right.

The next day the color of the spotting changed from light brown to red. I called my midwife who was very reassuring saying that many women experience bleeding during pregnancy without miscarrying. It was a holiday Monday so she said she would try and get me the first available ultrasound appointment the following day. I really needed that reassurance that everything looked good.

In many ways I had been worried about this pregnancy from the moment I got a positive pregnancy test. I was crazy tired all the time and really bloated…but never experienced any morning sickness. Things just seemed different that my last pregnancy. This wasn’t necessarily worrisome as all pregnancies are different…right? I was really trying to remain hopeful.

I never got the ultrasound as the next day I started to bleed much more heavily. I stayed home from work; my hubby worked from home and little E went to childcare. I had the space to rest and allow whatever was going to happen to happen. It finally happened and it was…unsettling, shocking and awful all rolled into one.  I did, however, immediately start to feel my energy return and it did feel better knowing what was happening even if it wasn’t at all what I wanted.

Having a miscarriage has helped me to realize just how much I want to add a new little one to this family. One of the hardest things for me to do in the past week was to find the words to tell Little E. I did and in her own way she understood and offered support. So here I sit with a beautiful, fun, loving little girl in my life and very much ready to do it all over again.

Advertisement